Once upon an evening encounter, two individuals brought me in to review my abilities (or possible lack thereof) when it came to my literary aspirations and rhetorical competency. They said, basically, I had very little talent to display -- I immediately turned the table before them over and left in a huff.
A few moments later, I was approached by one of them who made a confession: "Sorry about that, we were just trying to make you angry." Their reasoning was that I was in a somewhat dry period, and fresh water (not to mention furious blood) needed to flow through me because, in essence, I "write better" when I'm angry.
I told them to never do that again, and I hold that over their heads every so often. They haven't tried such tactics again.
Another infusion of fresh blood has been coming, as recently I've been so worn down from the factory experience, not to mention other forces going on within and without. I've been pushed to the very edge of the desert and sank my fangs into the sands to try to get some nourishment from it, which displays the lengths I've found myself going to as of the last few years.
Normally I turn to music (usually fresh, new music) to refill the gray matter in my head. I respond much more easily to music, so I headed to Best Buy and bought Euro-pop sensation Mika's albums: "Life in Cartoon Motion" and "The Boy Who Knew Too Much."
Wow.
I'm totally envious of this guy -- his manic energy and sugary pop persona is precisely what I was like in high school. I'm considering finding him and marrying him because I, like a vampire, need to feed off such energy to sustain myself.
So, until I can claim him as my own (apparently homosexuality is a requirement in Hollywood -- you're about to get the proof of it), another source of madness needed to be uncovered. Then along comes a book I found -- "The Devil's Guide To Hollywood" by Joe Eszterhas.
It's brilliant.
And here's a few helpful selections I love from my constant skimming of this volume:
You'll need to ward off evil spirits. - pg 69
When he was a young director, Marty Scorsese wore a gold talisman to keep evil spirits at bay, as well as an American Indian pouch filled with holy objects.
You don't want to get in a creative disagreement with a Scientologist. - pg 77
(and)
You don't want to mess with that E-meter either. - pg 77 - 78
(and)
Or you can join the Church of Scientology. - pg 186
Just pick up the book to read those entries. They're great...and long.
Get in touch with your feminine side. - pg 71
"The only good artists are feminine," said Orson Welles. "I don't believe an artist exists whose dominant characteristic is not feminine. It's nothing to do with homosexuality, but intellectually an artist must be a man with feminine aptitudes."
(Note - Maybe this explains why I've had the "brilliant" label thrown upon me several times. It might also explain why I understand "Twilight," and why I'm sometimes confused for...well...not being male. Or maybe I'm just a whore and will take anything I can get.)
You might want to try gay porn. - pg. 358
Screenwriter/novelist Gigi Grazer: "Writers, or any artists, should constantly be reinventing themselves, whatever that means --plays to screenplays to novels and back again, or second wife to mistress to third wife to gay porn, whatever works. Life feeds us. If we stagnate, there is no material."
(Note - I've tried it all -- even porn. Yes, even the type that didn't feature those of the female persuasion. You don't have to write the specifics, just the dialogue and they will either make up the "positions" and such on set or see what happens.
So, why did I try such an career path? My reasoning was "even the adult industry needs writers, even if its actors are playing knock knock, boom boom." That was the most recent WGA strike.
True to form, I was turned down, or flat out ignored, by pretty much everyone. Everyone, that is, except a lone male performer who recently started his own little studio devoted to himself and other male performers. The response was great...and then nothing came of it, no pun intended.
At least I can say, professionally, the girls at Digital Playground,. Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick all turned me down.)
Just say the fucking words! - pg. 326
Faye Dunaway asked Roman Polanski about her character's motivation in Chinatown. Roman said, "say the fucking words! Your salary is your motivation."
Who the hell is Hedy Lamarr? - pg . 327
Hedy Lamarr: "I enjoyed the location trips to desert towns in Arizona. The nights were mellow and romantic. Making love out of doors is so much more thrilling. Add a cowboy who never heard of Hedy Lamarr and the situation is ideal."
Swimming pool scenes are fine. - pg. 1 42
Louis B. Mayer: "You'd be surprised how tits figure in a hit movie."
Cover your own ass. - pg. 144
Cover yourself. Before each sex scene write, "It is dark; you can't see clearly" -- just in case the director wants to shoot your script as an NC-17 or "a deep R"...and blames you for pornography if the movie fails.
You're asking for trouble if you write a scene with male frontal nudity. - pg. 144
Director Jean - Jacques Annaud: "The penis is a terrible, terrible actor. It is an actor who overacts."
But you can go absolutely apeshit on the violence. - pg. 145
Director Phillip Noyce, discussing Sliver: "The MPAA have a phobia about seeing people joined together in lovemaking. So they wanted us to cut down on the amount of material where Sharon and Billy seemed to truly be coupling. I would cut it and they would say, 'No, no, no still too much.' I would try cutting it again. 'No. no, no still too much' -- and this went on endlessly. Yet in any film that I have made in the U.S., there has never been any discussion with censors about violence.
Directors are feminists. - pg. 248
Sam Peckinpah: "Women have very complicated plumbing that I'm fascinated with."
Another romantic director... - pg. 248
Director Blake Edwards said about his wife, Julie Andrews, "She has lilacs for pubic hairs.
Murder is always an option. - pg. 275
At 3:30 AM, screenwriter Budd Schulberg's wife awoke, to find him not in bed.
He was in the bathroom, shaving.
She said, "why are you shaving so early?"
He said, "because I'm driving to New York to kill the producer."
But he (David Geffen) obviously wanted to fuck Tom Cruise. - pg. 276
After he read the script of Risky Business, producer David Geffen told the director, " I want you to cast someone in the role of Joel that I would want to fuck."
All Hail Doug Kenney! - pg. 284
Doug Kenney, the screenwriter of Caddyshack, hated the poster for the movie so much that he confronted studio head Mike Medavoy outside his office and the two wound up grappling on the ground.
The poster was changed.
Actors are so very sensitive. - pg. 306
Sharon (Stone) went up to the Basic Instinct cinematographer with a gun in hand and waved it in his face.
"If I see one ounce of cellulite on-screen," she said, "you're a dead mother fucker."
Actors will do anything to upstage one another. - pg 307
Zero Mostel always ate a big dish of black beans and onions before the premier of a play he was appearing in. He did that so he could fart easier (and louder and smellier) to distract the other actors.
Don't write any John Wayne-type parts. - pg. 139
With the exception of Russell Crow and Mel Gibson, there are few stars able to play supermacho parts today. Many of Hollywood's top male movie stars are either bisexual or gay. If they're not bisexual or gay, their feminine sides overpower their manhood. Look at how Orlando Bloom and Colin Farrell and Brad Pitt failed, respectively, in Kingdom of Heaven, Alexander, and Troy.
A Final Thought -- Hanso, meet me behind the Wal-Mart Supercenter. A man's gotta learn these skills somewhere, and preferably before entering California's film industry.
Why?
Because as the book states, the fucking you want isn't going to be the fucking you get.
PS - What was I like in high school? Here, see for yourself --
Mika - "We Are Golden"
That, in essence, was me. Only geekier. And not nearly as visually pleasing to the feminine eye.
